How Does Moses Make His Coffee? (31 Terrible Coffee Jokes)

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How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

Jew gotta be kidding me?!

No, Israeli how he does it.

If that didn’t tickle your funny bone, you’re probably in the wrong place. Even though I take coffee very very seriously I’m still a dad and dad jokes have to come before pretty much everything else in my life.

So if you’re in the mood for some terrible (but clean) jokes about coffee, sit back, relax….and grab a coffee. I believe that I have created nothing less than the largest collection of coffee-related jokes that don’t suck on the net so we might be here for a while.

  1. How did the hipster burn his tongue?
    He drank his coffee before it was cool…
  2. What do you call a cow that has just given birth?
    De-calf-inated!
  3. What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
    The ground floor.
  4. Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
    Because they know how to espresso themselves. (You have to use an accent…go on…give it a go…)
  5. What’s a coffee’s favorite spell? Espresso Patronum!
  6. How is divorce like espresso?
    It’s expensive and bitter. (If you like these jokes but your spouse doesn’t…it might just be grounds for a divorce…)
  7. What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
    A depresso.
  8. What did the coffee lover name her son?
    Joe.
  9. Why was the barista fired?
    He came to work in a tea-shirt.
  10. How does a tech guy drink coffee?
    He installs Java!
  11. How are coffee beans like teenagers?
    They are always getting grounded.
  12. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
    I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
  13. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
    I asked for coffee.
  14. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you feel like you’ve been to before?
    Déjà brew.
  15. Why did the coffee file a police report?
    Because it got mugged.
  16. Why do factory workers drink so much coffee?
    It’s just part of the daily grind.
  17. What’s fat, slimey, and drinks a lot of coffee?
    Java the Hut!
  18. Why did the man who had his coffee stolen go to the police station?
    To look at some mug shots.
  19. What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
    “What’s Sumatra with you?”
  20. What did the queen say before having a dangerous cup of coffee?
    Safe-tea first!
  21. Why should you be wary of a 10-cent espresso?
    It’s a cheap shot.
  22. What do auto mechanics call coffee?
    Break fluid.
  23. What kind of coffee was served aboard the Titanic?
    Sanka.
  24. How do you convince a poor person to buy an expensive coffee maker?
    Tell them it has lots of perks.
  25. What kind of money do you use to buy coffee is space?
    Starbucks.
  26. Why did the kangaroo stop drinking coffee?
    It made him too jumpy.
  27. Did you hear about the guy who put little toy soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
    He’d heard that “the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!”
  28. What happened when the cop walked into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee to go?
    The coffee left.
  29. Why do I not like hot drinks?
    It’s just not my cup of tea.
  30. Where kind of coffee do birds like?
    Nestcafe.
  31. Why should you never trust a gossiping coffee pot with a secret?
    They’ll probably spill the beans.

Have you had enough? If not, I think you’re a brew-ti-ful person. However, I still don’t have any more jokes. If you have one for me I’d love to hear it! Leave a comment below and a way to credit you if you want fame (but no fortune).

Thanks a latte for reading! You mocha me very happy! In fact, words cannot espresso how much you bean to me. Okay, I’m done.

I’ll just leave you a few words of wisdom. Be careful about drinking too much coffee. It can cause a latte problems.